Well, the Wal-Mart plan continues to go smoothly, with the added benefit of making everybody’s day a little bit less bright.  It’s been quite a busy week or so.  The evil potential of the season is exceptionally large.  You’ve got bell ringing to scam, nativity scenes to screw with, decorations to mess up.  You see my dilemma. I just don’t have this kind of time.

One particular realization that’s caught me off guard is the reaction of parents.  They become much more upset when you yell out that Santa doesn’t exist in front of their children than when you yell out that Jesus doesn’t exist.  It just seems a bit odd. Surely they would care a lot more about “their savior” than the one character they actually accept “doesn’t exist.”  It does go to show just how worthless Jesus and religion is to children.  A child doesn’t get upset and cry when somebody says Jesus doesn’t exist. There’s a very simply reason for this.  Jesus doesn’t bring a child anything.  He’s only a vague metaphorical being.  They have some concept of him, but Jesus if they’ve even been paying attention only gives them damnation and little else.   If they aren’t just a little bit terrified of the concepts he represents then they probably haven’t been told very much about him.  In that case, they really don’t have much invested in his existence.  Santa, on the other hand, brings them presents.  They  have a large amount invested in his being real.  The only hang up they have with Santa not existing is that they think they won’t get any presents.  Once they figure out that they’ll still get presents then they get over him not existing really quick.

Still, you’d expect people to be a little bit more upset over their children being told that their parents are lying to them about religion.  Then again, if you’ve never been getting shit from a guy, continuing to not get shit doesn’t seem so odd.  On the upside, yelling about Santa not existing in front of small children is an amazing way to get a lot of evil done really quick.

I like to be a bit more creative though.  I’ve been fired from twenty seven Santa positions in the past month.  Nothing scars a child like Santa himself saying he doesn’t exist.  Oh the looks on their faces were priceless.  All those forgeries finally paid off.  Next year I’ll have to start earlier.

Recently I sent a letter to Mr. Ahmadinejad, but I don’t think he got it. It’s also probably a good thing I don’t have money for an airplane ticket.  Anyways, I thought that perhaps if I linked to his blog and posted the letter it might have a better chance of getting through.

Dear Mahmoud Ahmadinejad,

I’m Dr. Proletariat, an American Evil Scientist.  However, being an Evil Scientist requires a significant amount of money.  This is made even worse by living in America.  I unfortunately do not have the kind of money required to hatch all sorts of evil plans.  Thus I am forced to find alternative -and cheaper- methods of doing evil.  This brings me to you.  You’ve been named as part of the Axis of Evil.  With Saddam gone that leaves you and Kim and let’s face it, Kim’s a little crazy.  Thus, I’m writing to see if you’d agree to be unconditional pen pals.  While not being inherently evil, the wing-nuts in this country view any action short of bombing Iran as evil.  Plus, we could do it over e-mail which would make it rather cheap.   It’s a great chance for me to get some evil cred.

Also, you wouldn’t happen to know somebody who knows somebody who knows somebody high up in Al Qaeda? I’m not talking like super high up.  Just somebody high enough not to be blowing themselves up but not so high that they’ll be caught by the Americans as the number 2 in Al Qaeda next month.  If you can’t, no worries.

Sincerly,

Dr. Proletariat.

To Catch a Predator was on last night.  I don’t know why I watch that show.  It’s sort of like an upscale version of Cops.  If Chris Hansen wasn’t as awesome as he is I’d say he needs to be replaced by a British guy.  The show is horribly sexist though.  Do you ever women trying to get it on with underage kids?  No.  It’s terribly unfair to insinuate that women aren’t capable of being disgusting asshats.  Where’s the equality here?   We know that it happens.  There’s been quite a few stories of teachers boinking their students.   There really should be more women featured on the show.

There’s a slight problem I have with the show.  Chris always tells them that they’re free to go.  Then they’re all, oh well.  That was weird.  Guy’s kind of a prick, but he didn’t beat my ass.  I think I’ll go down to the Waffle House or maybe Denny’s.  Then he gets outside and the cops are all over them.  And to add more of an insult the cop will be wearing a World of Warcraft shirt.  The least is could do is point out that they’re screwed, the cops have the house surrounded, and they’re not getting out of this one.

Being late night t.v. though I got to see my second favorite T.V. personality, Billy Mays.  What that man can’t sell?  Seriously, if there was a Best of Billy Mays dvd I would buy it.

The road construction signs are still going strong.  A little snag though.  Apparently if the snow plows believe the road is under construction they don’t clear it.  Not that it’s too much of a problem with there being very little traffic now.  Eh, maybe somebody’ll put a dent in their car. It’ll be a bit like a bonus.  I don’t actually own one so I don’t worry.  Try riding a bike on ice.  You’ll think twice before buying a Prius.

Anyways, something more important.  I got a job at Wal-Mart.  You’re now looking at their newest greeter.  And trust me, that crotchety old guy that never smiled, he’s got nothing on me.   Don’t worry though, I at least am an asshole with a smile -except for small children.  This is just a temporary measure.   I actually do have a larger plan.  It’s just going to take a bit.  I also had to do a bunch of prep work in order to do it properly and the recession didn’t help.

Over the years I’ve slowly been gathering together a nice collection of road construction signage.  It’s actually gotten to the point where it’s filled up my friend’s basement.   You wouldn’t think it’d take up as much room, but it does.  Those barrels, they don’t stack that well. Anyways, I happen to live on a rather well traveled street.  It isn’t a main touroughfair by any means, but people just blow buy at all times of the day and night.   Either way, let us just say I found a solution to the problem.

The street is now “under construction.”  I even created an elaborate and out of the way detour.  Though, I’m not sure I’m happy with the results.  Sure I’ve inconvienced quite a majority of the people who used this road.  But my neighbors are absolutely enthralled with the lack of traffic.  There’s the occasional comment about the lack of construction, but then nobody seems to ever expect construction to be evident at all these days.  It’s kind of sad like that. But I’ll take what I can get.

Since I had a little time today I thought I’d go out and get a little evil done.  I already had to go to the library to turn in some books (I don’t keep them.  Sure it would be evil, but I don’t have the money or the time to forge new library cards) and so I decided it was time to activate plan Loud Talky.

The biggest problem in implementing plan Loud Talky is finding a random hobo who’s willing to sit there and talk to you.   Not that you couldn’t sit there and talk to yourself, but the object is to do evil, not get committed to the crazy farm.  Then again, Reagan closed most of those down.  Either way, it’s pretty easy to get a hobo to help out with the promise of five bucks and a bottle of vodka.

Anyways, after having secured a relatively clean bum that was a little bit crazy I set off to the nearest library.  We started a nice conversation on geopolitics.  Even with my own leanings that governments are just tools for global capitalist enterprises this guy put me to shame.   I think even Marx would look capitalist to this guy in comparison.  We’re talking all commodities, even food are, valueless and should be free to all. Value was just a social-ideological concept developed by humans to subjugate others.  He started going on citing things about bacteria interaction, but at this point the librarian was quite intent on kicking us out.

We headed to another library nearby and started to dwell on Africa.  I was taken back a bit by his views on this one.  Apparently we need to keep Africa economically subjugated, not because it’s of benefit to capitalism, but because we have to keep the Africans infighting amongst themselves.  Their continued economic and social disorder will keep them from realizing that their real problem is the Euro-American social, economic, and political domination of the continent stemming from colonialism.  I hardly got a word in, but plenty of parents with small children sure seemed annoyed.  Enough so that the Librarian had already called the cops when she asked us to leave.
We tried to get into a third library, but the librarian was already waiting for us.  Apparently these librarians are taught secret librarian network skills in their Library Science classes.  Either way, I ditched the bum and headed on home. I saw Mr. Bourgeoisie entering the parking lot on the way out, maybe he had a book to turn in.  We usually call ahead of time to coordinate.  That way we’re not just aimlessly wandering around.  It’s a bit of a courteosy.

Oh, I also took the liberty of painting my neighbor’s cat bright orange.  Looks snazzier that way.

I see Dr. Horrible has a blog, if you can call it that.  Looked like a professionally produced musical to me.  Has even even updated it past the third part? Now everybody is in love with him and he’s in the League of Evil.  More like the bourgeoisie of evil.  I could make it into the league too, if I had the money and could sing. Then again, the whole thing was part of a promotion of other work so calling it a blog is a bit of a misnomer.

It must be nice to be able to afford a freeze ray and a death ray. I can barely even afford a super-soaker, much less the casings for one of those weapons.  And what I wouldn’t give to have Nathan Fillion be my nemesis.  I think mine works as a retail sales manager.   I don’t really get to talk with him all that much.  With gas prices what they were it was rare that we could both show up to the same place.

Some of us actually have to work for a living. At the very least I get to work at trying to deny insurance claims. So there’s at least a little bit of on the job evil.  I guess I should count myself lucky there.  Most guys only get to really pull anything off on the weekends.   I even heard that some guys were forming a Weekender Evil Scientist Club over in Illinois.

Though, it’d be nice if, for once they’d portray what most Evil Scientists’ lives are like.  All you ever see is these Evil Scientists with their giant hidden labs.  Me, my living room doubles as my lab.  It comes complete with a fake plant and an old t.v. that gets five channels. I can’t even afford a cat. Sure, I could work on the laugh, but it doesn’t do you much if there’s nothing really evil to talk about.  My last big evil act, stealing plastic flowers from a graveyard.  Turns out they were going to remove them all the next day anyways.

Anyways, I finally got it going.  It’s about time the under-represented Evil Scientists of the Proletariat had a voice.  So here’s my blog.  I don’t have everything set up yet. Unlike those fancy rich guys like Dr. Horrible, I can’t afford some guy to do the coding for me.  I’ll have it all done eventually.  It’ll be snazzy.